One Fourth

Twenty-four. . . eighteen. . . twelve. . . and now six. I cannot believe it has been eighteen months since Zachary left on his mission. What a rocky, exciting, depressing, learning experience the past eighteen months have been. Would I have ever chosen to have a missionary? No, I definitely would not have. When my parents told me not to date exclusively in high school, this is exactly the reason why. You date exclusive, you get attached, and everything becomes difficult. . .

I remember once when I was younger, I'm guessing ten, my dad asked me what I would do if I had a boyfriend when I got older who said he wasn't going to go on a mission because he wanted to stay home with me. I told him, "Dad, I would say to him, 'You go on a mission or I will not marry you, because I am only going to marry a returned missionary!!!'" . . .Then I grew up and got stuck in a situation where that could happen and I wouldn't stop him from staying home. I never planned to have a missionary. I always figured I would date in high school and then once out I would date the older returned missionaries, I never expected my high school relationships to go far. But then all of a sudden my high school relationship had turned into something more, and my boyfriend had to make that decision to stay home with me and his family, or leave on a mission. I also had to make the decision to dump him and not waste two years, or take my chances and wait for him. Since Zach is out on a mission, it's obvious what decision he made. And since I am writing this post, it is obvious what decision I made. But was it an easy decision? Not even a little. Would it have been easier to forget about him and try to find someone else? Probably. But when you feel like you love someone as much as I love Zachary, you have to take chances like that.

Waiting for a missionary is risky. I have a lot of friends who are waiting or have waited, and about half of them haven't worked out. Some dumped their missionary while he was out, some got dumped by their missionary while he was out, and some had the boy come home only to find out they don't click anymore. You never know what is going to happen,  you can only hope for the best. This is also why I don't tell people that Zach and I are going to get married. What bothers me more than anything is when people ask, "Are you going to marry your missionary?" Do I look like a freaking psychic? I can't tell the future. Do I hope to marry him? Yes. But do I know if I'm going to? It is impossible to know before he's even home. Things might have been perfect before he left and they may be perfect on paper, but two years is a long time to change. When he gets home it'll be like dating someone new, and we'll need time to get to know each other all over again.

Zach and I get to do something most couples never get. We get a second chance at making things perfect. We get to go through the "honeymoon phase" all over again. We get to have another first date, another first kiss, more butterflies, and new memories. We get a chance at redoing everything we did wrong. We get to try all over to make our relationship as perfect as we can. We are so lucky to have this opportunity, and whether starting over brings us closer together or farther apart, it'll be an experience worth having.

Six months left. May, June, July, August, September, home in October. That's it. We went from twenty-four months to six. One fourth of his mission. 730 days to 182ish. I'm praying these last six months go by as fast as the first eighteen did.

I love my missionary and can't wait to see him this fall!

Brooklyn!

When Zachary left on his mission I felt like my life had ended. We had spent at least a little time together almost every day for two years. We were inseparable. We were perfect, and he made me happier than anything else. I remember saying goodbye to him in his driveway, (most difficult moment ever,) and then bawling the entire way home. Once I got home I sat with my dad and cried while I watched Glee, (haha.) I don't think I got any sleep at all the first few nights he was gone. All I could think about was how difficult the next two years were going to be, all alone. I'm the type of girl, correction, I was the type of girl that once I'd get a boyfriend I'd stop hanging out with all of my other friends and I'd focus all my time and energy on the boy. (Not a good thing, but it's how I was.)

So there I was, my boyfriend, best friend, only friend, was on a mission and I was completely alone for two years. . .At first. After a few nights of crying myself to sleep, my little sister, Brooklyn, began talking to me a little. She said she wanted to have a sleepover in my room, so we did. And I realized something, when she slept in my room with me I was able to keep myself from crying. The first couple months Zach was gone she slept in my room a lot. I don't know if she did it because she knew it kept me from crying, or because she just wanted to hang out with me, but she helped me so much more than she knows.

Two months after Zach left I moved my bedroom from the basement to the upstairs, across the hall from hers. As soon as I was moved upstairs, we became best friends. She would always leave me cute little notes on my bed and door telling me how much she loved me or how awesome I am, she'd sneak into my room at night to watch movies with me, and we went everywhere together. Our favorite thing to do was go to Allred and J.Wride concerts, (we LOVE these bands.)

A year after Zach had been gone, I moved out of my parent's house. The hardest thing about this was leaving my little sister. It was so fun living across the hall from her, and even though I only moved a little more than five minutes away, it still sucks not being five seconds from her. She got a cell phone for Christmas so now we're able to text whenever we want, and we still go to concerts and do other things together, we're still best friends. And that makes me so happy because I was so worried when I moved out that we wouldn't be close anymore. It is a little harder to do things now, because I'm so busy and she can't just hang out with me for a couple hours every night, but we do still get together when we can.

I love Brooklyn more than she knows. She is the coolest little sister and I love that I can tell people my best friend is my little sister. She is the most beautiful, awesome, amazing sister ever!

I love you Brooklyn!!

Waiting.

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My boyfriend is also LDS; he is currently serving a mission and will be returning in the middle of October. Here are a few questions I am asked way too often: 

How long did you and your missionary date before he left?

I tell people two years because it's much easier than counting the months. We became exclusive on January 1, 2008 and he left October 14, 2009, so we dated for a year and ten and a half months before he left. (We've been good friends since 2005 though.)

Are you waiting and dating?

If the opportunity comes up and I get asked out on a date, then sure I'll go. I like getting to know new people and I know that if I don't date at least a little while he's gone then I'll regret it. I've been stood up a few times and been on a couple of bad dates since he left, (and one good one but that's only because it was with an old friend who's serving a mission in Spain now.) So has my dating experience since he's been gone been good? No, not quite. But am I waiting and dating? I guess so, yes.

What has it been like since he left?

This is a bit of a complicated question. I will tell you how a few of the months were. . .

          Month 1: Extremely difficult. I found myself crying everywhere I went; in the car, on the way to class, at work, every night. It was not fun. It was also very lonely. Zach and I had spent almost every night hanging out for two years, it was quite a shock to just not have him around anymore.

          Month 4: Got a little easier, I had become friends with some other girls who have missionaries also. I finally had friends! We were hanging out and talking about our missionaries. It really helped having friends that knew exactly what I was going through and could relate.

         Month 12: It seemed unreal when it got here, I could not believe it had been a year already. It was a very depressing month as I was beginning to remember all the feelings I'd had exaclty a year ago. I didn't like it and it wasn't easy. Luckily, I'd rekindled an old friendship with a friend that was friends with Zachary also, so I had someone who knew him that could talk with me about him. It helped.

         Month 17 (current month): Not any easier. Now that I'm getting close to his six months left mark, I'm beginning to freak out. I've gotten so used to him being gone, I'm getting so nervous! I have no idea what it's going to be like when he gets back. I don't feel ready either, I want to lose about 15-20 pounds and buy a new wardrobe before he gets home. I better get busy working on that!

Do you think you two will get married?

That's a hard question. It's something I could see happening and it's something that I would love to happen, but I can't say that yes I think we will get married because I am not psychic. Do I hope we get married, though? Yes!!!

Waiting is definitely not the easiest thing in the world. There are good days and there are bad days. There are days when you're mad he left you, and there are days when you remember why he's gone and you're proud of him. I am very thankful for this experience. As hard as it may be, I am learning so much that I wouldn't have ever learned otherwise. And so, that brings me to the next part of this post:

Things That I Have Learned Waiting For A Missionary That I Would Have Never Learned Had I Not Made The Decision To Wait For Him!

• Friends are important. You may think that all you need is your significant other to be happy, but that is not true. I have made so many friends since Zachary left that I would have never made otherwise. Jordan, Lesha, Kristin, Lara, Laurie, Emily, Tay, Brooklyn, and the list just goes on and on. I cannot stress enough how important girl friends are especially. What I would do without these girls in my life I do not know. Every girl needs some girl friends, and I am so grateful for mine! I love these girls (and Jordan) so stinking much! SO so much!
• Distance only makes the love stronger. I think a long distance relationship brings out a completely different type of love that you never experience unless you go through it. Loving each other through letters is an amazing experience. We are able to discuss things that were never talked about in person. Since we're only communicating through letters, the love in the letters are so much stronger.
• Not only does the missionary receive blessings for serving a mission, but the ones who support what he's doing do as well! When I am doing all I can to help Zachary be the best missionary he can be, I see changes in my own life. I feel like I am receiving so many blessings, and I have seen a dramatic change in my life in certain areas.
• People change, and it's not always a bad thing. I was always scared of change and scared that Zach and I would change too much while he was gone. Well he's been gone for a year and a half, and I have learned that it is truly impossible for someone not to change in that amount of time. Fortunately, change is not always a bad thing. I have noticed not only in Zachary, but in myself, changes in us that have made us better people. We are fixing our flaws and becoming better people.

I am so grateful for this experience and would not trade it for the world. I love my missionary more than anything, and even though it's extremely difficult, it's comforting knowing that he's doing what he's supposed to be and we will be greatly blessed in the future because of it.