Dating. Not my thing.

My niece is turning three years old on April 3rd. I got her an awesome gift. An adorable, metal (mostly) shopping cart and some little play food and money. Thank you Walmart, I know you don't get enough credit, but I think you are wonderful.

And here it is, I promised (I think) this, and so I will give it to you. My dating life. . .

At 16 I was very, inexperienced. Well of course. I live in Utah, I am Mormon, I didn't even start dating until I was 16 years old. I even got $100 on my 16th birthday for still having virgin lips. Mmhmm. What a good girl am I.
So I turned 16 years old on January 30th. Didn't do anything big and exciting, if you know me then you know I am a bit on the antisocial side. (And completely ok with it.) So, here we go. Since I was now old enough to date, according to my parents, I could start going to the school dances! I wanted my first date to be the Sweethearts dance, so I thought up a really cute way to ask Benjy. I asked him to Sweethearts in a pretty awesome way. Completely covered his room in fun decorations, wrote this awesome thing on a tshirt, the whole shabang. I saw him in Driver's Ed the next week and talked to him, just to make sure everything went as planned. And it did. I was so excited to get answered, right? So I waited, and I waited, and I waited. Finally, after two or so weeks, I called him. I asked him if he was planning on going with me, and I got a response like this,

"Well, I'm just not into the whole dance thing. I don't like dressing up or dancing. So I guess I won't be going with you, so, yeah."

Seriously, Benjy?! Seriously!? I was P.O.ed if you know what I mean. And being the bawl baby that I am, I cried. A whole ton. Mom got furious, called his mom, and got him grounded. (Childish? Maybe. Did I love it? yes sir!) Did I let getting told no get me down though? Nope! The day after he told me no I asked another friend, Jerry, and he said yes right away. Went to the dance and ended up having lots of fun. Thank you Jerry for being the best first date ever. (p.s. I went to every dance my Junior year, and guess who I ran into at every single one? Benjy. You suck, Benjy.)

Shortly after the dance I went on a blind date with a boy, really, I promise it was a boy. He may have looked like a girl from the front, side, and back, but he was a guy. . . I think. He had a guy name, well, it was one of those names that could be for a guy or girl. Crap. I may have gone out with a chick. That would explain a lot actually. In all seriousness though, he had long blonde hair, a little girl, I mean boy face, and super tight jeans. I mean SUPER tight. We went and saw Date Movie and then went bowling. Was it the worst date ever? No. Did I feel like a lesbian? A little bit. Just a little bit.

The rest of being sixteen consisted of having a boyfriend for three months, he ended up being my first kiss. It was cute I guess, I'd had a crush on this boy for a couple years, but it took actually dating him to realize we were not each other's type. At all. He is still a friend I like to talk to once in a while though. He's a pretty awesome guy, true story.

Two weeks after the first boyfriend and I broke up, I got asked out on a date by this boy named Jasper. Uh huh, that was his name. He was dreamy. He sat behind me in Seminary for a semester and I thought he was such a super hot jock. At the time he was all I needed. He was caring, he was sweet, and he paid attention to me. For the first while. Now, before I go any further, this is my side of the story. So anyone who may have a hunch of who I'm talking about, there are two sides to every story. Remember that. Ok, now to go on. After a while I felt he was getting very controlling, but I was "in love" so it was ok. . .or not. We ended up breaking up after 9 months, sort of. We broke up officially, but we continued to date. It was at that point that things got really odd. I wasn't going out with anyone else, but was constantly feeling like I was getting ditched and being used. I even got a sort of unofficial list of things I needed to change before he and I could get back together. Crazy, right? Yeah, huh. (We were so young, remember that too.) One day in September 2007, so I had been 17 for a while, after one of our dates, I got a text from him that just said, "That was the last date," or well, something like that. It was very heartbreaking at the time, but live and learn, right? I did learn a lot from that relationship and wouldn't change anything about it. It was a good experience, he was a great guy, and we just weren't right for each other. 

A few months went by, and with those few months came a few blind dates.

(Whoa sorry for such a long post! Sheesh!)

BLIND DATE 1

I thought I was going on a date with a boy named Danny, turns out he couldn't make it. Instead of telling me, he just sent his friend, Tom. Tom was, well, not my type. We went to go see Pirates 3, (who remembers how long that movie was? Wasn't it, like, 45 hours long?! Blech!) Ok right at the beginning of the movie, Tom snatched my hand and WOULD NOT LET GO. Now you must know this, I am not touchy feely. I do not hold hands. I love hugs, yes. But that's about it. He, no joke, held my hand during the entire film! (Not to mention his hand was all sweaty. Ewwww.) He was also texting, TEXTING, during the entire movie. Not only is it rude to text on a date, but it's just embarrassing and disrespectful to text in a movie! But wait, it gets worse! His phone rings, he looks at me and says, "Sorry I have to take this," and answers! I then hear this:

"Hey man, what's up?"

Pause.
"Nah I'm not doing anything, what're you up to?"

Pause.

"Yeah definitely! Hit me up and we'll do that!"

Pause.

"K. Talk to later man!"

Pause.

"Ok, bye!"

Like really? I guess sitting in a movie, holding a girl's hand, is doing nothing. Huh. At the end of the date we said goodbye, and not five minutes after saying goodnight, I got a text from him.

I wanted to kiss you tonight.

Ew my sick, no. After that, I stopped talking to him and I have not heard from Tom since. Awesome.

Onto the next date. . .

BLIND DATE 2

Held at my sister's house. We watched a movie. He wasn't very cute, but he was nice. His name was, well, we'll call him nameless. I can't remember his real name, so why make up a fake one? The date went pretty well and I was, pleased. He was on some lacrosse team, and he had curly hair. Yep. He sure did. The next week or so after the date we sent flirty text messages back and forth. At one point he asked if I wanted to meet him at a park. I asked what we'd do and he said we would hold hands and eventually make out. Well, I'm not exactly that type of girl. I told him that I don't do that, I got called some words, and never talked to the scum bag again.

BLIND DATE 3

Was set up by a friend. I was told he was perfect for me, so I was pretty excited. We began text messaging before actually meeting. His name was Matt, and he was so sweet. Almost too sweet. I'd wake up with messages like, "Good morning beautiful," well how did he know I was beautiful if we'd never hung out? Confusing, but flattering. We decided to finally meet. He picked me up, and well, he was indeed kinda cute. We went back to his house and decided to watch a movie in the basement. He turned a movie on, and then got upset because I was sitting on the couch instead of the love sac with him. (Once again, I am not a touchy person.) He eventually got me to sit by him, but I was NOT comfortable. About twenty minutes into the movie, he went upstairs. I'm totally not kidding, I dozed off waiting for him to come back down. After 45 long minutes, he came back down and said something about cops. He was with me for about ten minutes and then went back upstairs. . . for twenty more minutes. When he came back down the movie was over so he took me home. He texted me later that he loved the date, (what date? I was by myself practically the whole time!) I was honest and told him how I felt about being left by myself for so long. He called me the B word and told me to never text him again. And that I did.

All right, so then, after all this crap going on, I was feeling pretty desperate. So I started to like this kid at my work, The Golden Corral (awesome,) his name was Sven and he was not my type, but really cute. We never went out, just hung out after work a few times. Didn't last long at all. I don't remember what happened, but it just kinda, stopped. And that was that.

Now that all this had been going on, I was thinking there was something wrong with me. Why couldn't I just go on a good date? Then I realized, guys are just scum. The ones I attract are, anyway. I was feeling pretty down about all this crappy dating when a best friend from tenth grade and I started talking again. Well, we just clicked. He asked me to be his girlfriend on New Years, 2008, and we've been dating ever since. Kind of. He is indeed, the amazing man that I am waiting for. He left in October 2009, and we did decide together that I would wait for him, but I would also date a little. So onto just a couple more dates I'd like to share. . .

DATE 1

My first date since my missionary left was supposed to happen in February 2010. He was a friend from elementary school. We'd been texting lots and he was VERY good looking. So the night came around, I got looking as good as I could. And I waited. And I waited. And I texted. And I waited. And nothing. I wasn't happy about that. A few days later I got a message from him, apologizing for the other night and asking for a second chance. I agreed. So THAT night came. I waited, and I waited, and I texted and waited. NOTHING! Again! I was feeling pretty dumb and very annoyed, so right then I told him to stop talking to me and that's the end of that date. Fun, huh!

DATE 2

Took place in Provo. I stupidly agreed to go meet a local artist for a date. I arrived at his house and wasn't too pleased. His hair was not only long, but it needed to be brushed. We went to get ice cream, and the entire way he talked very badly about some other local artists, that are MUCH more amazing than he was. We got the ice cream and guess who forgot their wallet? So I paid. After that we went back to his place, (no he did not pay me back,) and we watched a movie on his very uncomfortable futon. He not only talked horribly about my religion, but he kept asking questions that were very personal and getting too close to me. I was feeling uncomfortable so I took that as an opportunity to show him by knife and pepper spray. I talked about how exciting it would be to shank someone. . . and how I've always wanted to pepper spray someone. He backed off, and the date ended shortly after that.

After that experience, I decided to stay away from creepy guys, no matter how great their personalities seem. I know my missionary is awesome, so I will just wait for him, thanks.

I'm sure there were a few dates in between those ones, but these are the most memorable ones. SORRY this post is insanely long, wow, I am getting a headache just from writing it! Good for you for reading the entire thing, I just wasted five minutes of your life!

Lesson to learn: NO BLIND DATES!!!!

P.s. Names have been changed. Yes ma'am.